Why I came and continue to stay／为什么来并留下去
魏一帆 更新于2009年02月25日
Was I lying to myself?／是否欺骗自己？
Before I came to China in 2003, one of my relatives asked me if I was running away from something. We are not that close, so the question came as a shock to me. This person is a very successful lawyer. She’s used to a direct search for the truth, even if it makes people feel uncomfortable.
2003年来到中国之前，我的亲戚问我是否逃跑什么。我们俩的关系并不接近，因此她的问题使我吃惊。她是非常成功的律师，即使令人不舒服，她也还是喜欢直接追求真相。
I told her what I believed. I did not come to China to escape. But because of her question, I began to doubt my self-knowledge and the good that I thought I was pursuing. Was I lying to myself with an oversimplification?
我告诉她相信的事，我不去中国逃跑任何事情。但是由她的问题，我开始怀疑我的自我知识和那个以为追求的理想。我通过简单化的想法是否期骗自己了？
The explanation I told her and all my other friends and relatives was that I made a promise to myself when I earned my master’s in TESL in 1998 to use my education in a developing region. Since I was in debt due to my studies, I first took a job in Tokyo. I left four years later financially secure and with an interest in Asia.
我向她和所有的亲朋说的故事是，1998年获得第二门预言英文教学的硕士时，作出承诺利用我的教育在发展中的地区。不过，因为教育的债务，首先从事在东京的教学工作。4年后经济条件稳定下来，并我对亚洲感兴趣了。
At the time I knew I wanted to come to China, but not a large and developed city like Beijing or Shanghai. Instead I got a job through an NGO in Hong Kong in a city I had never heard of: Nanchang.
当时知道想去中国，但不愿意到北京、上海等既大又发达的城市去。反而，通过香港的非政治组织我接受一份在从来没听说过城市里的工作，即南昌。
I told my family and friends that my purpose was just to go there for a year or two but after that I wasn’t sure.
我告诉亲朋，目的简直是呆一两年的时间，但以后没有具体的想法。
“Rhinos in Love”/《恋爱的犀牛》
The anniversary of my arrival in China in February of 2003 has just passed. Save 13 months working in America, I have spent all my time in this culture. In all it’s been about five years, much longer than I planned and beyond what I hoped.
2003年2月份首次到中国的纪念日刚过去了。除了13个月在美国工作，我一直在这个文化里生活。一共花5年了，这不但超越我的安排，也超过我的希望。
Last week while watching a play I was reminded of the complexity of the reasons I came and stayed. I saw “Rhinos in Love” at the National Centre for Performing Arts with some colleagues and friends. It was a very post-modern production, complete with a sense of the incomplete, moving in a direction clear to no one. In this sense, it is not just a Chinese play, but an international one because these styles and themes can be seen from Broadway to London.
上周看话剧中被提醒来到中国并留下原因的复杂性。我和同事和朋友在国家大剧院看《恋爱的犀牛》。这是非常后现代的表演，在往无人清楚的方向上走下去时，一种无完全感使表演完整。从这个角度来看，这不仅仅是中国的话剧，也是国际的因为从白老汇街到伦敦这种风格与主题都能看得到。
Since I was not able to understand much of the dialogue, my senses focused on the lighting and blocking. The set was plain and if it represented a person’s spirit, it was an empty life indeed. The lighting was also plain but deft. Squares of light filled the discreet spaces of this life, creating walls out of shadows. The actors ran in and out of darkness and light, sometimes delivering their lines in the blind. As if uncomfortable in neither dark nor light, they did more running than walking. The things that made them run were only half clear to me. But their angst and search for a love to fulfill them were obvious.
因为大部分的对话不能理解，我的官能以舞台灯光及调度为焦点。布景朴素，要是目的是代表某人的精神，那确实挺空洞的生活。舞台灯管也简朴可很灵巧。那些不引人注意的空间由正方形的灯光照亮，以影子创造墙。演员在黑暗与灯光中跑来跑去，偶尔隐蔽的演员也说台词。因为跑步比走路多，好像无论在黑暗还是光下，他们都不舒服。引起他们快跑的东西我不完全清楚了。但是他们的不安和追求满足愿望的爱情很明显的。
“I won’t leave you and I won’t let you leave me!”
“我不离开你，我也不让你离开我！”
The main character clearly repeated this line throughout. He sought a love he couldn’t have, a love he perhaps was not capable of. Insofar as the woman he desired was in a similar predicament, it can be called a story of love. Not a love story, but a story of love.
主角清楚地重说这句话。他追求一个不能受到的爱情，一个或许没能力做到的爱情。因为追的女孩陷于同样的情况，这可能算是爱情的故事。不是爱情故事，而是关于爱的故事。
In the closing moments, my confusion came to an imperfect resolution. I felt a conflict between charity and possession. My heart was left to pity a man and woman spiritually and emotionally deceived who pursue what they thought was good but fail. They failed to escape themselves and their own notion of what was good for them.
最后一刻中我的困惑受到不完美的解答。我感到对爱情与拥有的冲突。我的内心为一个被精神上和感情上受骗的男人和女人感到同情。他们追求了美好的东西，但结果失败。他们都失败逃跑自己和为自己美好东西的概念。
However, as the play ended with bows and applause there was a quixotic plea for the audience to continue pursuing what is good. I have seen this at other Chinese plays, an unnecessary punctuation mark that sounds more hopeless than intended. It is as if the director is trying to convince himself and the audience that there is still meaning in life. To me, this was the saddest part of the play.
不过，在话剧结束后的鞠躬与鼓掌时，演员向观众说希望他们继续追求美好的东西，确实是个不对劲的呼吁。我在其他中国话剧也见过这种不需要的标点符号。听起来没有故意表达的希望那么多。好像是导演尽量说服自己和观众生命还是有意义的。对我来说，这是话剧最难过的时刻。
A more mature answer／更成熟一些的答案
There came a point in my time in China when I knew that using my education in a developing country was a necessary spiritual deception. I believed it and it was true, to an extent. It was a childish answer to a more complex and mature question. Because while I was pursuing something good, I was confronted with difficulties whose answers became more meaningful than the goodness I sought. This process has given me a more mature answer.
我在中国的时间中有一天我就知道在发展中的地区利用我的教育是个需要的精神欺骗。原来我相信了，而且在一方面是真实。这仅仅是对更复杂的、更成熟的问题一个优雅的答案。因为在追求美好东西的过程中，遭遇困难的答案比原来追求的美好东西更有意义。这过程给我更成熟一些的答案。
The past few years have been some of the most difficult in my life. I have experienced debilitating loneliness. I have been confronted with fear of failure, fear of losing financial stability, fear of the loss of the chance of true love. I have been blinded by frustration with my own shortcomings and those of the people around me. But my loneliness has been ameliorated with unexpected friends. My fears have been met with opportunity and hope. My frustration has been revealed for what it is with a spiritual light. Difficulties remain, but in China I see myself becoming the man I’ve always hoped to be.
近几年是我生活当中最难的之几个。我经过使自己衰弱的寂寞，面临失败的恐惧、失去经济稳定的恐惧和放弃找到真爱机会的恐惧。我自己的缺点及周围人的缺点使我感到灰心并使我失明。不过，由于意外的朋友我的寂寞改善了，我的恐惧由机会及希望相遇。一种精神的灯光使我灰心更清楚。尽管困继续存在，但是在中国我看自己变成一直想作的男人。
I feel no longer that I am pursuing a simple goodness but that truth and goodness pursue me in all their complexity, even if it makes me uncomfortable, frightened and sad at times. This is why I came and why I stay. It is my own story of love, which is a matter of providence, but this also is simply a matter of faith.
我感觉到，我再不追求简单的美好东西，反而即使令我不舒服或有时让我留下在恐怕和难过中，复杂性的真相与美好都追求我。这是我来到并留下的原因。这是我自己关于爱情的故事，这算是缘分的事，不过也简直是信仰的事。
魏一帆 更新于2009年02月25日
Was I lying to myself?／是否欺骗自己？
Before I came to China in 2003, one of my relatives asked me if I was running away from something. We are not that close, so the question came as a shock to me. This person is a very successful lawyer. She’s used to a direct search for the truth, even if it makes people feel uncomfortable.
2003年来到中国之前，我的亲戚问我是否逃跑什么。我们俩的关系并不接近，因此她的问题使我吃惊。她是非常成功的律师，即使令人不舒服，她也还是喜欢直接追求真相。
I told her what I believed. I did not come to China to escape. But because of her question, I began to doubt my self-knowledge and the good that I thought I was pursuing. Was I lying to myself with an oversimplification?
我告诉她相信的事，我不去中国逃跑任何事情。但是由她的问题，我开始怀疑我的自我知识和那个以为追求的理想。我通过简单化的想法是否期骗自己了？
I told my family and friends that my purpose was just to go there for a year or two but after that I wasn’t sure.
我告诉亲朋，目的简直是呆一两年的时间，但以后没有具体的想法。
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